First off, I am sorry this is late, but with graduation preparations, I'm a bit stressed. It made this harder to write and finding the time to write it was even more complicated. So again, SORRY!
Title: Warm Safe Place
Author: Selena Barton
Genre: AU, Songfic
Warnings: Yaoi, unbeta'd
Note: Song sung by Staind
Warm Safe Place
Inside my world
I'm married to you
and this road.
A road that never
lets me sleep .
So theres no way to escape the
demons I am forced to keep.**
I catch myself twisting the slender gold band around my finger once again. I’ve been out here for so long, just wondering what happened to you. I have no choice as to being way out here in the middle of this hell. Bombs crash into surrounding buildings, screams fill the air, and all I really want to hear is your voice. All I do here is your voice. “Take care, and come back to me.”
It’s really strange. I never heard you all that much before you were gone. You always made me promise to come back to you. You always promised to be there when I came home. What happened?
I’m forced to always be on the alert in this war zone and yet, the one war I fight the most is one inside. This war occurring here is nothing compared to the nightmares that occur when I slept. I’ve given up sleep. I can’t let myself rest for fear of seeing that day again. I don’t want to see those last days of seeing your face. It kills me.
The rest of the troop asks why my wife never writes. I just tell them my mate is no longer living and they back off. I’m not up for explaining that I never had a wife to begin with. I had a husband. Correction, I have. I refuse to say I am a widower. I am a man that has a wonderful husband that just doesn’t happen to live in this world any more.
The silence surrounds me as the 24-hour seize fire takes effect. The dust falls from the last building collapse. I hear the last of the cries as those poor innocent bystanders are killed in their own nightmare. I think that would be a welcome release to me. I’m not sure. Every time I think how close I am to death, I hear you make me promise to come back to you, that sweet soft voice calling to me to make it through the hell.
**And then I find you here
Through your eyes
And I'm home
Inside your arms,
But I'm alone for now.**
I do sleep once in a while. Sometimes this body just refuses to listen to my pleading to stay awake. I know if I dose off without realizing it thanks to the looks from the others. The look of fear and pain is obvious on their faces. Sometimes I wonder just what I said or did while I was asleep, but I know what dreams I have. They are complete nightmares. I see you there alone, dying. I always imagine you crying out my name, begging me to hold you close.
They say you died peacefully, but I’ve always felt they tell the survivor that to ease their pain no matter how horrific the pain of the deceased may be. I fear that I left you to suffer alone. I will never forgive myself for that. Never.
I must be getting closer to death. I am beginning to see you now as well. I’ve had one peaceful dream this time. I see you as if it were I. I know it was you. I could see my reflection in the mirror across from our bed.
I reach up and caress your face only to be able to touch you once again. I hold that body in its own arms just to be able to hold you. You feel so tired, so weak. Should I have seen this moment coming before I left you that night? I see how pale your complexion is. How did I miss this before? Maybe it was that reassuring tone you always got when I said something about it. I miss how you always told me I was imagining it so I could baby you more. I heard that so much that I actually started believing it. I hate myself for it though. But in a way, I will always love you for lying to me about it. Another part of me hates you for it, but I can never truly hate you.
I see me walk up behind your reflection. I see what you see and what I saw. It’s odd, but comforting. I pulled you into my arms and kissed you gently. Again, I ask how you feel and am told I am only trying to find an excuse to stay home. Okay, maybe that was a little bit of the reason. But I was so worried about you. You told me how you just needed to lay down; you hadn’t slept well last night worrying about me leaving that night. I bought it. I bought every last word. You never lied, so why should I think you told me anything but the truth?
I scoop you up in my arms and lay you down gently on the bed.
“Are you afraid you’ll break me?”
I didn’t answer. You knew I was always afraid I’d hurt you some day. I never knew how, but I knew I would. Then after that night, I knew it was by leaving you alone when you really needed me the most.
“Heero, I’m not a china-doll. I’m just tired.”
I protested. I said I’d cancel the appointment. Those people would just have to wait. They just wanted a security system and it was only the first visit to evaluate the current system. I didn’t really need to do it that very night. They could just deal with it. You needed me.
“Go,” you told me, “I’ll be fine, just come back to me.”
I’d only been shot once in this job, and that was in the beginning. After that, I made sure to be more careful. So what if I got a little hole in my shoulder. It was never critical, as far as I was concerned. You disagreed. It was always critical.
“Always,” I answered. I always did.
I watched you fall asleep as I lay beside you. I stayed right there until time to leave. I didn’t wake you, just kissed you on top of the head and brushed some stray strands of hair from your face. I remember promising to return. I whispered it gently against your forehead before one final kiss before leaving. Maybe I should have made you promise to be waiting for me. That was the only time you hadn’t.
I can feel how safe you felt in my arms that day, how much you loved me, and how much I really missed.
**I mean the best
with what I say.
It doesn't always
sound that way
I never learned to
Work things out cause
In my family all we
Ever seem to do is shout**
I woke to a second lieutenant shaking me harder than any of the other soldiers ever had. His eyes were filled with fear and confusion.
“Did the seize fire end? Did they attack?” I begin to mutter through sleep filled eyes. I hated waking there. I was so close to knowing what happened to you. I needed to know what happened after I left that evening.
“You were having another nightmare.”
“Nightmare?” I wasn’t having a nightmare for once.
“Yes, three others have already tried to wake you and are now nursing wounds that no man has ever inflicted while asleep.”
I look around to see not only black eyes, but also two doubled over. Apparently, from what they told me I had hit Lieutenant Andrews in the stomach after sending Junior Lieutenant Stevens sailing through the air. I must have been fighting to stay asleep. Fighting to stay with you this time instead of leaving like I did that night.
I explain away all the violence. I never was one for talking. So, I’m not sure how some of them took it. I finally tell them about you. The real you. My wonderful marriage to a wonderful man that loved me more than the Heavens you believed in would ever be able to compare to. I told them about the life I had before coming to this hell. Some of them seemed to understand. A few had been in a wonderful marriage to some very precious wives that they lost. Most had just left them. They didn’t even know why. Or so they say. I’m sure if they really thought about the actions, they’d find a cause somewhere.
There is now a collection of the company that refuses to go near me. Andrews came over during tonight’s supper and sat with me. He forgave me for the pain I put him through. He’s a very nice guy. He told me I was braver than he ever was. Our families reacted in quite the same way when we came out. His parents disowned him as well. He was on the streets for a while. They haven’t given him a chance yet.
Not like my family did. They still hate me and have left several messages since you passed telling me that this is our punishment for being “this way”. Narrow-minded as hell. Trust me, I’m seeing proof that hell is narrow-minded. It’s kill or be killed. This is hell.
The seize fire is almost over, just 8 more hours before the nightmare is released again. Andrews and I go back to the tent to spend more time talking. It seems weird. I never seemed to feel like I said anything right. You always forgave me for those stupid comments that just seemed so insensitive if you didn’t know me. You knew what I meant, somehow. So does the Lieutenant.
**But then I find you here
Through your eyes,
And I'm home
inside your arms,
but I'm alone for now.**
I guess we must have fallen asleep laying there talking. He’s comforting. His voice doesn’t sooth me like yours, but I feel something toward him. Not love, but something I’d say must be friendship. That understanding that I haven’t had since you passed.
I can see you again. Damned dreams. I see you turn just as the door clicked shut from my leaving. I’m not inside you this time. Oh but I wish I were. I’m just viewing, invisible to you. I reach out and try to touch you, but I can’t. It makes my heart ache.
“Heero,” you whisper weakly, “I’ll always be with you. Please forgive me for not waiting for you.”
I watch your eyes close and your breathing almost stops.
“DUO!” I scream at you, but you can’t hear me. I try again to touch you to no avail. “Don’t you leave me damn it! Don’t you leave me in this hell alone!”
I feel the tears start to run down my cheeks like they did that night when I got the call. My entire body begins to shake with the sobs that are more than just dreams.
“Yuy?” I hear a new voice and feel a strong pair of arms hold me.
I wake as I almost sling Andrews off the cot. I can feel the tears that are trailing down my cheeks and rub them away with the back of my hand. He sitting there, holding me close and looking into my eyes with that same concern you used to. Did you send him to me? I know you always believed that people entered into our lives because a loved one that had passed knew we needed them. So, I’m going to believe he’s here because of you.
**And when I try to sleep-
the drugs I take
are killing me - I think of you
to ease my pain -
but you're so far-
Now it's time to say goodbye.
I love you baby
please don't cry -
'cause then I'll find you here -
Through your eyes everythings clear -
and I'm home inside your arms - but I'm alone for now.**
The seize fire is over. I hear the hell outside begin anew. The first gunfire and destruction of the day has just hit. Orders begin to fly out everywhere. Andrews looks into my eyes and just stares into them. I try to turn my head away, but I’m almost frozen in place.
“Hey, let’s move it!” cried out the major.
Andrews and I jumped up and started to run from the tent. The next thing I knew the bombs were next to camp and shards were flying through the air. Half the company had to be hit. We began to load up all the wounded into jeeps. We were under fire and no true hope of fighting back. They must have moved into place before the seize fire ended.
I began to look around as the last wounded soldier in the compound was set into the jeep. Another shell hit. Andrews and I both went flying backwards with the force of the blast. I heard my ribs crack as I hit the wall of the shack we’d been using as a supply tent.
I could taste blood, that salty rusty taste. I could hardly breathe. My vision was blurred. I could hear Lieutenant Andrews calling out to me.
“I’m fine,” I answer. I hope he’s where he can’t see different. He sounds terrified. Not that the rest of us don’t. “I’ll see you at the MASH unit. Until then, don’t worry.” I had to reassure him somehow. But I knew I wasn’t going to make that stop. I was drowning in my own blood. My ribs had to have punctured my lungs.
I reached into my pocket pulling out the syringe I had been carrying since I started in this hell. A small dose of a drug that would kill us if we were ever captured. I wasn’t about to lay there and wait for them to make me suffer more. Technology wouldn’t save me even if it was our troops that found me. Technology didn’t have that much time to find me.
I inserted the needle into my arm and let the fluid flow into my veins as tears ran down my cheeks. “Sorry Andrews,” I whisper. I know I’ll see you soon, love.
**But then I find you here
Through your eyes,
And I'm home
inside your arms,
but I'm alone for now. **
~ The End ~